I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
