Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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