I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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