I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
