Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
