i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
