I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
