My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
