she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
