i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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