so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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