I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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