enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
that is very illegal...i love you.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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