God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize