Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
