everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
