I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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