So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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