come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize