His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
