I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize