Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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