If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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