Who wears a wallet chain?!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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