so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
