this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
