at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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