I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
