i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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