hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
