It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
