I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
