i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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