Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
