He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
