I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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