How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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