Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
