Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
