I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
