dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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