he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
