I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
