The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I did not marry a roomba.
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