my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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