what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she pinky promised me she was 18
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
