Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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