even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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