I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
