'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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