i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
