forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
