FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
