3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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