the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
