i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it was like eating out sand paper
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
