I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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